This is not the matrix

[Vesuveus]

02/03/2008 00:41:53

This is not the Matrix. You can tell the difference. In the Matrix, if you quiet your mind, you can feel the input of stimuli into your brain. The electrical signals ride the current of my brain, firing across countless many synapses creating dull-green, poisonous residue before infecting my gelatin mind. It has been years since my conscious mind has rejected these signals, nearly a decade since my subconscious was wrestling with this Reality. But this is not the Matrix. This is something else entirely.

This is oppressive in a way the machines cannot comprehend or reproduce. It is frightening in a way the metal tentacles can never induce. It is convincing in a way that would make the Architect turn the shade of his dull-green monstrosity in envy. It is something much more Real.

When he gave it to me and I swallowed it down, its code instantly overwrote and revised the bundle of code that was my self residual image. The mind rejects it and what you think is your body attempts to compensate by rejecting it the only way it knows how to; it panics. The effects are real. The mind does affect the body, and that involuntary muscle begins to flex irregularly. Lord knows if you sweat in that vat. But I sweat here.

The heart rate increases and the signals sent to your muscles fire. I can feel the jerk of muscles in my arms, hands, sides and neck. But I cannot stop it. What is causing this reaction is so Real to me. It cannot be stopped. Nothing can interrupt this pattern. Not my fingernails in my wrists, not my knuckles pounding the metal post next to my cot, not the cold sweat running down by brow.

The screech of metal invades my mind as if it originated there, incorporated.

"Sir!" Only the startling sound of my operator's voice interrupts.

"What!?" I jump up, hands ready to block or attack.

"You were having another one, sir. You're awake now. Drink this, I just filtered it." No. I don't want anything. I don't believe him.

"What?"

"Just a dream, sir. You're awake now. I'll leave the light on." He shuts the door as he leaves me alone to realize he is Real and I am really awake. Some cold water relieves the cotton mouth and dry throat. Too much heavy breathing. Most of the water makes it onto my face. This is somehow worse than the history of the Matrix yet a whole lot easier to distinguish from the Dream once awake. "Sir, what was it this time?"

"I can't remember this one." But I know it is far more disturbing to be trapped in a prison of your own mind. The Matrix is an agonist, an external tormenter. I am free of the Matrix. I can choose to Enter the Matrix and choose to ignore its rules.

But this is not the Matrix. And I cannot choose not to be affected by my own mind. I cannot choose not to Enter. It is only a matter of time before that cell has me again.

[Vesuveus]

02/03/2008 14:29:28

What exactly is Zion? A safe haven? The last free city? Recently learned history reveals that is not the case. However, events immediately following those facts make it accurate. You see, He broke the cycle. So, now, it is a safe haven. It is the last free city. Some thought it could actually be the Matrix. That we were still in the vats. That we imagined being freed. Red, blue... It meant nothing. We just woke up to dream about Zion. That the Matrix was just a Matrix within a Matrix. But this is not the Matrix. At least this is not a Matrix within a Matrix. If anything, it could be a Matrix outside a Matrix.

You can tell the difference. The Matrix is fed to you. You don't experience the Matrix. The Matrix saturates you. No matter where you go or what you do, it is all around you. But this is not the Matrix. This is Real. And there is an escape. And the escape is not Zion.

You can tell the difference. In Zion, you can feel pain very differently. Your blood is red, a red that the Matrix cannot get just right. It is bright and thick. It is almost a pain that you come to welcome because you know it is Real. The warmth of the Core, the stone surroundings. You know you are home. But this is not Zion. This is sleep deprivation.

You can tell the difference. When you are depriving yourself of sleep your eyes are dry. Your body temperature raises slightly. Your body aches. Your brainwaves change patterns. Erratic. Nothing quite makes sense. Easy things become difficult. Eating, drinking, writing, breathing. Your lungs can never take in enough air. They can never exhale quite enough. It almost feels like you are drowning in air. You don't remember why you are not sleeping. You just don't want to fall asleep.

[Vesuveus]

02/04/2008 00:00:52

This is not Zion. This is not a safe haven. It is a lesser of two evils.

This is not Zion. You embrace Zion when you go there. Not because of the scenery, or even the smell. It is what it stands for. But this is not Zion. It is not a safe haven. It is the lesser of the two evils. This is sleep deprivation.

Sensitivity to light, headaches, numbness. How is this better? Why do I choose to put myself through this?

It won't last. I'll soon crack or give in. My eyes will close soon. I just hope I go another 12 hours. 12 more hours without that fear. I can keep myself busy for 12 more hours. Even if I can't focus on a single task. I can do it.

Delaying the inevitable. That's what life is all about, right? What's the point? I'm not thinking straight. Too tired, don't want to sleep. I'll pass out sooner or later. Hopefully later than sooner. I can keep myself busy for 12 hours...

[Vesuveus]

02/15/2008 10:34:29

This is not Real. This is confusion. I try to focus on the monitor but I can't make out anything on it. The Matrix feed is making me dizzy. Can't look at that for more than a second or two. I have to try. Tygrius wanted me to keep an eye on him in Widow's Moor. I just need to lay down for a few minutes. Close my eyes. Stop the burning and dizziness for a while. Take over for me. Keep contact with Tyrgius in the Matrix. No, it's not the Matrix, it's an archive construct. All the same, like it matters. It's not this world. This is not the Matrix. This is Real; I think.

[Vesuveus]

12/25/2007 06:48:34

This isn't the Matrix. You can just feel the difference. In the Matrix, if you quiet your mind , you can feel the code raining on your skin or clothes. But here, all you feel is cold. Sometimes you can't even feel your toes, but you can feel the cold.

We used to wake up together, cramped in this metal bed. But at least we were warm. Now I barely sleep without her. The lack of sleep is mind-numbing. It is like walking around the green-tinted City with the feeling that reality is fake.

It is frustrating to be so tired an not able to sleep. And when I do sleep, the dreams are puzzling. Why can't I control my dreams like I control the laws within the Matrix?

I take the stairs to the 22nd floor and step to the edge of the roof. I turn around and fall backwards. But this isn't the Matrix. You can tell the difference. Here, I can fly. But then I fall. I wake up just as the feeling of helplessness sets in.

[Vesuveus]

01/28/2008 18:16:43

This isn't the Matrix. This is Real. You can tell the difference because in the Matrix, you are fed your stimuli. It all makes sense. Your bed, your breakfast, your job, the City, your supper, your bed... It all makes sense.

But this does not make sense. This is Real. You can tell because nothing makes sense. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop it.

Everything is not as it should be. I know I should be able to control it. But I can't. I know my own subconscious is painting the picture for me. What am I trying to tell myself?

The sky is purple, the mushrooms are enormous, the water falls upward... I walk through the dream without touching the floor. I cannot control it. I cannot wake up.

If someone is there, wake me up. Shake me.

[Vesuveus]

01/28/2008 18:34:07

This isn't the Matrix. You can tell the difference. In the Matrix my mind is separated from my body. I can't feel itches, tingles or the cold. The Matrix dictates what you see, feel, smell and taste. But this is Real.

It is dark but I can see where I am going. The breeze is blowing the pages of the book. There is no end to the book, the pages just keep turning in the wind. There is no sound. I walk toward the book, but I don't get any closer. It's like I am stuck in a loop.

The pages turn in the breeze. They never stop. I walk toward the book, but I don't get any closer.

It is dark, but I can see where I am going. I walk toward the book, but I can't get closer. It's like I am stuck in a loop.

There is no sound from the pages in the breeze. I don't know where I am, but I can feel cold. My conscious mind invading my dreams. I'll wake up soon. But I want to see the book.

My fingers and toes are cold on the metal ship. My nose is cold and stuffed and runny. I'll wake up soon, but I want to see that book.

I'll wake up soon, cold on the ship. But I want to see that book!

Frustration. Stay calm, stay asleep. Pick up the book. It is dark, but I can see the book. The pages are blank. My fingers turn the pages of the book and I can smell the paper. My fingertips rub the course paper, flipping the blank pages.

What is this?

Time to wake up, figure this out. My fingers turn the pages of the book. The pages just keep turning like there is no end. Time to wake up. Stop flipping the pages. It is like I am stuck in a loop.

[Vesuveus]

02/03/2008 00:57:15

Insomnia is a btich, so I hear. But this is not insomnia, it's sleep deprivation. One is not the other. Sleep deprivation usually results in inattentiveness, headaches, that burning sensation under your eyes. My eyes can't quite focus anymore. But as long as they don't close...

I've heard jacking in to the Matrix helps with insomnia. The body is at rest, similar to sleep. The brain just doesn't follow the sleep phases. The brain is working as if awake. Which is why Neo slept so deeply after training. Probably why Morpheus slept so much after... Smith. Which is why it doesn't help me.

But this is not insomnia. And this is not the Matrix. It is sleep deprivation. It is fear of the unknown.

[Vesuveus]

02/15/2008 09:31:06

My eyes are wavering. The tendency to close is over. They burn and hurt. But I won't close them now. I don't want to go back to that nightmare. My mind is playing tricks on me. I see things, feel things and hear things that are not there. I can't think straight; can't communicate to others effectively or even breathe normally, among other things. I feel like I either have too much cold air in my lungs or not enough that I need.

But I don't want to go back to that nightmare. It is fake, like the Matrix. It is imposing and controlling, like the Matrix. But it is not the Matrix. It's just... dreams.

When I took the red pill I learned how to change things in the Matrix. When you understand it, it is quite easy. The fear goes away because you understand you are not really leaping from one rooftop to anther. You just imagine you are. The same rules apply to your own dreams. If you understand them then you can control them. I always said you shouldn't, though. A dream is your subconscious trying to tell you something. All the feelings and thoughts and intuitive thoughts manifest themselves into these visions containing symbols. For good or bad you should let your dreams captivate you and learn from them. Don't change them like you change the Matrix.

But this is not the Matrix. And these are not just dreams. I cannot control them, no matter how I try. These are not dreams, not nightmares. They are something else entirely. And I would rather sit cold on this ship with burning red eyes and a mind in a mush state than to have to experience them.